Back in the 60's, the boob tube was crawling with cereal mascots. You know, those entertainingly annoying freaks who would try to persuade you to rot your teeth with their product and hock their cheap plastic toy surprise on you? Anyway, one such cereal mascot was Quisp, the alien prince from Planet Q.
Here he is. The little egomaniac.
For a time, this guy was one of THE most popular mascot of his time. But most people forget that Quips had a partner. A forgotten iconic legend from a time immemorial. A man known simply as....QUAKE.
For years, this studly superhero and his whacked-out alien rival would chase each other throughout the countryside, each one touting the superiority of his respective cereal. Kind of like Frankneberry and Count Chocula, except that these guys didn't scream and cower like pussy-assed losers when a squeaky door opened. Quisp would tease Quake and Quake would smash all around him hoping to get the jump on his elusive rival. All was well with the world, until one day when the kids at home complained that they were afraid that one day the huge and powerful Quake would one day catch the space-case and "stomp" him into cosmic dust.
Boo-freakin'-hoo. Cry me a river. Come on. Would that really have been a bad thing? Haven't you ever wanted to see the Coyote eat that feathered flake the Road Runner? Or see Tom squeeze that smug little bastard Jerry into gelatin? Anyway, the Powers That Be at Post relented, and so Quake went from this:
to this:
Gone were the bulging forearms. Gone went the sofa-like chest. Away went the hard hat. In its' place were an Australian bushman's hat, freckles on Quake's face and his earth-smashing clodhoppers were replaced with soft boots. Less intimidating for the kiddies? Sure. But sadly, this new look did irreversible damage to Quake's career as a superhero. Sadly, the Justice League subsequently rejected his application and stopped answering his calls.
Over time, Quisp's popularity would endure, while Quake was pushed further and further into obscurity. Eventually, Quaker terminated Quake's contract and replaced him with another mascot named Quangaroo; the less said about this wannabe, the better. The last anyone's ever heard from Quangaroo, he was living on a compound in New Mexico as a member of a UFO religion that wears aluminum foil on their heads and tries to achieve Nirvana by watching reruns of F Troop.
Where is Quake now? Well, rumor has it that he's still very much active in Hollywood. He's believed to have studied at the Comedy Store and to have changed his name to Conan O'Brien.
Hey, with plastic surgery and liposuction, anything's possible.
